Lessons Learned

Anytime that I travel for work and the subject of iron-distance racing comes up, it’s always a little awkward.  First the questions about the distance, order of events, then listening to stories of friends and family members who have done a “mini Ironman.”  Once people realize what you’re actually doing and begin to believe that you’re completely nuts, they seemingly always ask “Why?”  Other than being able to say that you went 140.6 miles in one day, why would one do this?  Well, I for one firmly believe that there are lessons about you that can only be learned from being pushed to the edge.  Some of us are lucky enough to be pushed to the edge by our own volition.  Others are forced so without their consent due to illness, injury, or tragedy.  And for some it’s both…you often find those who’ve gone through great personal adversity competing at endurance events – I believe that they’ve recognized the value and just want to do it in an environment that is mostly in their control. 

So when I’m asked the question of why, I could give the standard speech of, “Blah, hard work, blah, determination, perseverance, yadda, yadda.” And while all of those lessons are true and learned, the two that resound most strongly to me are honesty and trust.  And I’m unsure that I could learn these two lessons in any other environment.

Honesty:  “You can’t fake an Ironman.”  There are things you can get away with not training for, including a marathon, maybe even a half-Ironman.  It might hurt, you might be near the end of the pack, but you’ll more than likely finish, even if you walk the whole thing.  An iron-distance race is different.  I have known way too many very fit people who find themselves scrambling to make the 17 hour cut-off, despite even the best of training regimens, forget it without doing the work.  Being this open and honest, is hard.  It leaves you vulnerable and exposed in ways that you wouldn’t otherwise need to, or have to experience.   This year I had more than a few conversations with the Cadence coaches that went like this:

“Are you ok?”

Responsive grunt of “Fine” or “Sure.”

“Are you lying to me?”

Responses here are typically (though not always verbalized as such): “Yes, I’m fine, I just need a little validation and attention.”  “Yes, I’m fine, just miserable and whiny.” “No, I’m injured but refuse to admit weakness.” “No, I just don’t have it today.”  

Each of those responses requires a giant gulp of pride and exposure.  Granted, when you’ve got snot, tears, and sweat running down your face, can it really be uglier?  Those moments though, where you have to make a decision with yourself, are far more powerful than you can imagine. 

One of my mother’s favorite childhood stories about me is when students from Carnegie Mellon University asked her if I had been exposed to computers before.  I was in the 4^th grade and my single working mother laughed hysterically and said, “No.”  At that time no one had a computer, certainly not us.  When she inquired why, they explained that they had come to my classroom to do a study of how long it took children to learn to type a sentence.  We were instructed to type the same sentence 5 times.  They were hoping to see how long it took us to learn where the keys were.  Despite being told to only touch the keyboard, I used the mouse to investigate the navigational bar.  I knew the words copy and paste and so I typed the sentence, then copied and pasted it a few more times.  Not only I had I completely skewed their results, but learned about efficiency, and effectiveness.  I’ve spent most of my life finding a better, shorter, easier way to do things.  Well, in endurance events, there’s no such thing, and if there is, well, I want nothing to do with it.  I finally, at 34 years old, have learned to embrace the long work, have patience, and be honest, even if it’s ugly, it’s far better than taking a shortcut. 

Trust:  I’m slow to trust.  I’m calculated and generally don’t like risk.  So when presented this year with the opportunity to do my first ever drop-in off of a 20 ft cornice at 13,000 feet of elevation, I had to learn to trust.  First, I had to trust that Emily and Gaby knew my abilities enough to take me up this chair lift, and then up a climb.  I had to trust that it could be done when Emily dropped in “woo-ing” the whole time.  And then I had to trust Gaby when he said I could do it, if I trusted myself.  And there’s the hard part.  Had I not trusted my abilities, I could have easily toppled end over end down the mountain.  I had to believe that my friends wouldn’t lead me astray and would be completely honest with me.  And so, I dropped in, and successfully made it down the hill.  That sense of accomplishment cannot be gained in many other circumstances. 

A few years ago, I put a whole lot of blind trust in a 20-something with a mohawk in hopes that I could cross the finish line of my first Ironman.  Three years later, and iron-distance race #4, I still have full faith in Jack’s ability.  He’s one hell of a triathlete and an even better coach.  For those who don’t know, the #CadenceGirls range in age from mid-20s to mid-50s.  We are a fierce group who wants each other to achieve their goals as badly, if not more so, than to achieve their own.  We’re competitive and supportive, we believe in each other and our coaches.  We’re also completely insane.  We have high powered jobs, and demanding families.  We’re type-A to the max, over-stressed, and neurotic.  These are my best friends and sometimes I’m overwhelmed.  How Jack and coaching partner Matt handled this crew and all of their nuances, is remarkable to me and no task I would ever undertake. 

Like any good coach, Jack says semi-cliched, nonsensical phrases that don’t make sense…until they do.  A favorite this year is in relation to chips and shoulders.  It sparked a bit of debate among the group: Is it one chip, or many chips?  One athlete remarked, “I feel like that’s a bad thing, sort of like, ‘You’re a big jerk.’”   And what kind of chips?  Poker? Potato?  As Emily and Gaby witnessed, I’m far better at putting a Family Size Bag of Lays on my thighs instead of my shoulders!  

As it turns out, the origin of the phrase relates to a dare, as in daring someone to knock the chip (or wooden beam as it were) off of one’s shoulder.  This resounded a bit with me.  I can be damn belligerent, competitive, and my need to be right even gets on my own nerves.  But what were my chips?  I dare you to knock me off of the top of the podium, which I’ve never been on?  I dare you to question my naturally athletic ability?  I’ve come to realize that everyone has different chips. 

Mine are: 

Hard work. I rarely miss a workout.  I stopped thinking I knew everything and listened to those that came before me, and “sometimes” even my coach.

My ability.  I would have told you that I had some success in spite of my ability, but I have worked hard so that I can have belief and confidence in my progress.

My support system.  I have the strongest friends out there.  If I can’t do it myself, I know that the Cadence girls and guys (#3rdRowForLife) will pull me through.

The winds at Maryland are going to be tough.  The Choptank may push me around and try to knock those chips off, but I know that no matter what, even if I fail, I have earned the right to own those chips, put them on my shoulder, and I dare anyone, or any course, to try to knock them off.  

St. Anthony's Race Report

Searching for an article for my dissertation, I found this Race Report which I wrote on the plane on the way home from Florida but never published.  Enjoy.

St. Anthony’s Triathlon Race Report - April 26, 2015

Since I started racing triathlon, the first race of the year has been like Christmas, a day when all of my good behavior, or greens in Training Peaks, will be rewarded.  I typically spend time the day before being excited about packet pick-up, planning what I’ll wear, where I’ll park, and having every race day logistic planned to a tee.  When I learned that I would be travelling for nearly three weeks straight and that I would be in St. Petersburg, FL the last weekend of April, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to race St. Anthony’s Tri.  I had been to the race as a spectator and it seemed like a fun excuse to learn to travel with my bike.

In addition to heavy travel, I’m also in the throes of marathon training and while having a 19 mile run the Thursday before a Sunday race wasn’t ideal, it would be a nice break from the long winter.  

Unfortunately, my 19 mile run led to a pretty horrendous sunburn and by the time Saturday’s packet pick-up rolled around I wanted nothing to do with the race.  I was tired of being on the road, tired of the heat and sun; I was sore, blistered, peeling, and generally not excited to do what I’ve been most happy doing in the past 4 years.  As I got in line for pick-up, that dread intensified.  I had the most awful bike, body, and ability insecurity imaginable.  When did EVERYONE in my age group get a tri bike and disk wheel?  Do all tan people have six packs?  Does being tan make you actually faster, or just look faster?  I was already doubting myself and seeing Tri-Barbie at every turn didn’t help. 

I got back in the car after racking my bike and started sobbing; I wanted to go home.  I texted with my husband who told me to just take it as a training day, and I talked with my friend Emily who has the same mental demon taking up space in her head too.  Luckily he only lives in one brain or the other so we can usually talk each other off the ledge.  I contemplated emailing my coach and asking him to just give me a nice Sunday workout. And then I decided, I would do nothing, I would go to bed early, sleep in, and deal with the consequences the next day…until I remembered that I’d have to go back to St. Pete’s and get my bike.  Then as I watched the news that night I saw sadness and grief in Nepal then anger and confusion as Baltimore burned.  I decided that I needed to stop being selfish and take my friend Roy’s advice and simply be filled with gratitude.

So at 1am, I climbed out of bed and decided to pack for the race.

Happily when the alarm went off at 4am I felt good and ready to go, and really, who sleeps in on Christmas?  Having done such nonsense races as Challenge AC in its inaugural year and Philly Tri the year it got so hot that they shut down the race, I’m always hesitant to complain about heat or wind…that said, the winds were howling as I hopped in my rental car and the humidity was already at 86%. 

The quick drive from downtown Tampa to St. Pete’s was easy at 5am.  I followed some cars and luckily found a spot to park since I’d done no prior research.  I met some really nice people from Tampa who walked with me to transition.  It’s a terribly isolating experience to race totally alone, no one to cheer for you, calm your nerves, talk with to get rid of that nervous energy.  I looked at each face and bike that I walked pass, hoping that I’d see a familiar face.  Finally I did.  I saw a mutual friend from Philly who now lives in Naples, Mike Egan.  A quick hello and well-wishes and I was alone again.  I got transition situated and started the long walk to the swim start.  Thankfully I ran into two people I’d met at the expo the day before, Jeff and Kate.  I met them during the expo as I hunted for a shrug to cover my blistered shoulders; they brainstormed with me and even offered to bring me something to wear.  Kate wasn’t racing because she is 8+ months pregnant (and since she was having contractions at the start of the race, I’m guessing is a new mom by now!).  Jeff was racing the Olympic distance for the first time and scared to death that he’d be a dad by the time he finished the swim.  I was so happy they recognized me and let me stand at the start with them.  A few moments later the group that I had walked to the start with approached Jeff and Kate, it turns out they are all in the same training group.  And that’s the great thing about triathlon, the support.  I was happily no longer alone, and the race was about to start.

The swim was really great for the first third, then a ninety degree left turn and the waves picked up.  I found a few feet to hold on to but the waves made it nearly impossible to follow for any length of time.  When I hit land I felt great and took off running, I was floored to see the number of bikes still in transition when I got there. 

Swim time:  31:03, T1:  1:37, AG rank: 9^th

The bike is where I started to feel the fatigue in my legs.  The “out” of the first out and back was a gradual uphill, right into a headwind.  I decided that I’d already come this far, so it was time to make myself small and just keep fighting.  Those who know me well know I’m not great at bike handling, so maintaining nearly 20 mph on a very technical course was a huge win for me.  I did make one huge error however…in my total lack of planning for this, I never thought to verify how long the course was and decided that it was 29 miles when it was only 24.  I should have been hammering at the end but instead I let myself get lazy.  I will say that T2 was quite a surprise when I got there! 

Bike time: 1:47:52, T2: 2:04, AG rank: 9^th

There’s nothing to say about conditions on the run, other than it was HOT.  Heat index turned out to be in the 90s, temps in the high 80s, and humidity around 86%.  I was certain my first mile was 10:00 pace.  When my watch buzzed, it was 7:48.  At the turn around I had guessed that I was about 4 back from the leader.  At mile 5 I passed two girls in my age group.  In the last 200 yards those two girls plus one more would sprint past me.  They would beat me by 13 seconds, 10 seconds, and 8 seconds respectively.  I can only boost my ego to convince myself that they were in a pack and plotted to take me down.  When they passed me they were three abreast but slowly spread out.  I begged my legs to go with them, but they just wouldn’t.  By my fuzzy triathlon math I was in 6^th or 7^th at the finish.  Luckily, one of the girls that passed me just happened to be in the Athena category and I ended up taking 5^th place in my age group, missing 3^rd by 13 seconds.   Even luckier for me, St. Anthony’s goes five deep. 

A great moment happened at the finish, the girl who beat me by 8 seconds stopped to congratulate me, we hugged and went on to congratulate the girl that kicked both of our asses.  As we were doing so we ended up photo bombing her post-race portrait.  It was such a nice moment and an awesome experience to be hanging with the fast kids.

Run time: 49:09, AG rank: 3

When people ask me what my best event is in triathlon I immediately blurt out, swimming.  While I don’t look like a runner, or a cyclist, my shoulders are broad enough to convince people I have some ability in the water, but who knew a girl from up north could take 3^rd in a hot Florida run?!  I found wonderful people willing to take my photo as I received an award for which I am SO grateful.

I saw my new friend Jeff as he successfully finished his first oly; they were right off to the hospital!  I can only hope and pray that they had an easy delivery and health baby!  While racing alone isn’t ideal, I met wonderful people, remembered again that I am lucky enough to do this sport, and over the moon about the result. 

My Marathon Playlist

Those who know me, know that music is a huge part of my athletic endeavors.  I have a training playlist, a pre-race playlist, and then a specific playlist for each race.  Usually it's just music that I enjoy listening to, or music that gets me excited.  This race is different...I'm preparing to put myself in a place that I'm not sure that I've ever been.  I figure the only way I'll be able to do that is to completely distract myself from the task at hand and think of all of you.  So for the Poconos Marathon I've put together songs that remind me of a place, time, or friend from the past year or so.  Since these moments and songs mean so much to me, I wanted to share with all of you. I'll be using some good advice from Jill and only using this play list from miles 19-26.2.   Enjoy!


Go - Avalanche City - Okay, this song just makes me really happy.

Levels - Avicii  - The song that was playing when I almost killed Anna and I trying to find pasta in New Jersey.  #Hangry

Sail- AWOLNATION - Always one of my favorites but two weeks ago Coach Matt decided to not kill us at Cadence with "power ballads" and this was the first song on the newly chosen Pandora station.

Wagon Wheel- Darius Rucker, Ketch Secor & Bob Dylan - Steve and Amanda's wedding.  The one song the whole wedding got on the dance floor for. I haven't seen my mom and her fake knees dance like that in years. And of course my favorite gal from North Carolina.

Tervaskanto - Korpiklaani - Heading to the Islanders/Rangers game with Dave Starr.  This might be the only song we ever agree upon.

Bailando (English Version) [feat. Sean Paul, Descemer Bueno & Gente de Zona] - This song played in every restaurant and store I went into in Barcelona.  Since I was mostly alone and didn't have anyone to talk to, I tried to learn some Spanish by downloading the English version and trying to figure it out.

Blank Space - Taylor Swift - The song that haunted me at Florida Tri Camp. It was on the radio in Jack and Alyssa's car every time we had to go somewhere.  When I thought I was going to die at Mile 11 of the Naples Half Marathon the damn thing was playing at the Aid Station, that laugh got me through the last two miles.

This Is How We Roll  - Florida Georgia Line (feat. Luke Bryan) - From a great Pittsburgh spin in March with Jim Needles.  Jim is the spin instructor at the YMCA.  When I decided I should get back in shape post college, I walked into the Y and took my first spin class.  Jim convinced me I needed fancy cycling shoes, and then pedals on my old Schwinn.  It started a snowball to say the least.

I Need Your Love (feat. Mohombi, Faydee & Costi) - Because Shaggy.

Roar  - Katy Perry - Emily and Gaby's basement.  Struggling through 8 miles on their treadmill while everyone else drank beer and waxed skis.  This song came on more than once and it's one of Emily's favorites.  This song will also remind me of my badass running friend Jamie who created the Eye of the Tiger award which is proudly in my possession for this race.

Animals - Martin Garrix - Pittsburgh Penguins pre-game warm-up.

See You Again (feat. Charlie Puth) - Wiz Khalifa - Wiz almost cost me my job when I brought him to perform at Point Park University before the national release of Black and Yellow.  He was such a young punk, but a nice one.

Renegades - X Ambassadors - I drive a jeep and well, "Go forth and have no fear."

Shake It Off - Taylor Swift - Kristy. She can suffer like none other and still sing Shake It Off.  Also shout out to Jack Brac for playing some Shake It Off Radio for the two of us on Tuesday morning.

Where Is My Mind? - Pixies - Maxence Cyrin's version of this played nearly every week at Cadence Yoga.  That version is too slow for a running race, but this song will always remind me of Julie and the original Cadence yoga class in a building that will soon no longer be our training home.

Prayer In C (Robin Schulz Radio Edit) - The only other song that we heard in Florida.  And I believe the song that was playing when Sue Downing announced, "I like this" and proceeded to beat the hell out of everyone on the final 400.

Hey Brother - Avicii - Not sure when, but Anna started singing this constantly about a year ago, it's still my favorite song to run to.

One Day- Matisyahu - #DNationPhilly.  Every single one of you.  I love you.

Wavin' Flag - K'naan - Dan Lavelle and I at the DNation conference in Chicago in 2012.  This and Velobeats have helped me struggle through some hard work

 He's a Pirate - Pirates of the Carribean - Klaus Badelt - The most fun marathon I've ever run was with Jill in Disney.  We drank margaritas through the finishers chute and rode rollercoasters.  At the start of the race we ran by the Pirates display and this song was blasting.

Ai Se Eu Te Pego - Michel Teló - Sitting at cafe alone, sipping dry rose in Barcelona a street musician came to the table and started singing this.  I seemed to be the only one who didn't know the words so when the others started dancing, I had no choice but to join, one of the best moments I've had in 2015.

Westfall - Okkervil River - The only song Mark and I have ever been able to agree on to play on long car trips.  As this is our friend Dan's band it also reminds me of sitting in the ATO "hot tub" during senior week, drinking frozen drinks and listening to some good tunes.

Calvin Harris - Outside - Inexplicably fell in love with this song during the New York Islander's pregame warm-up as I was lucky enough to see a game in the Coliseum's last year.

Boondock Saints Theme  - I shouldn't have to explain this to anyone who is reading this.

Fight Song - Rachel Platten - See link below. These are the most inspirational people I know. I'll be channeling their strength in the final miles.

Wicked Wonderland - Martin Tungevaag - Emily and I dancing under the bright blue sun and gorgeous Colorado skis at Breckenridge, drinking beers, and rocking to this song.


So there it is, what will help carry me through some hot, humid miles tomorrow. I love you all so very much and wouldn't be doing these crazy events without bringing you along! Thank you.

Return of the Blog

As I'm currently in the middle of writing my comps (aka Comprehensive Exams) so that I can finally call myself "a doctoral candidate" and be ABD, it may seem an insane time to resurrect this blog, and it probably is.  But so was planning a wedding, living simultaneously in three different places, and working two jobs while writing my Master's Thesis; this is just par for the course.  This blog started as, and still is, a place for me.  You are all welcome to follow along and join in my adventures, but this is my place to write down my stories, race reports, and random thoughts; mostly so that they can live somewhere other than my already overly-cluttered brain.  This practice leaves a clear space for the tough writing...of which there will be much to come.

The other purpose for this blog was to publicly share my goals as a means to keep myself accountable.  For the whole of 2014, this blog was non-existent.  It's not that I didn't achieve things.  I did.  Lots of amazing things.  However, working a job that required 60+ hours in an office plus being on-call 24/7 (including weekends and holidays), then sitting in class 6 and a half hours every other Tuesday, left little time or energy for blogging.  Consequently, not having this space to write, left a head filled with too many disjointed thoughts, and lots of lost memories.  So for the purpose of my sanity, I'm blogging again.

As is customary for the first post of the new year, I've got some goals to share, BIG ones.  There's an internet quote that floats around that says, "If you're dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough."  Well, it's safe to say that 2015 is nothing short of terrifying.  This is less a list of goals than it is a list of to-dos.  These things are going to happen, I just need to believe and execute.  Since amazingly, I can't determine if racing Iron-distance triathlon or finishing my doctorate means more to me (yes, I'm serious), these are listed chronologically.

So big scary 2015, here's what we're doing:

1. Finishing written comps
2. Successfully defending oral comps
3. Skiing out west
4. Going for a Boston Qualifier during the Poconos Marathon on May 17
5. Going to lots of weddings of wonderful friends and family (invite list at 8 so far)
6. Racing USAT Olympic-distance Nationals in Milwaukee on August 9
7. Getting a top AG finish at Ironman Maryland
8. Finishing my dissertation
9. Successfully defending my dissertation
10. Having one hell of a party to celebrate

2015 has been pretty good so far:  I have a wonderful new job that requires 40 hours in an office plus some out-of-office time, but nothing that involves calling a student's parent at 3am.  I commute now, which has left time for catching up on podcasts that I love, mostly triathlon and endurance sports related, but also those related to higher education and my current job.  I spent the second week of the year at a tri-camp in Ft. Myers, Florida where I ran faster on a track than I ever have, "won" the swim workout, and went out of my comfort zone on the bike, all of which will be beneficial as this year goes on.  I've rediscovered my love of skiing, something that I'd only had the chance to do once in the previous 6 years, after being a weekend warrior most of my teens and 20s.  And most recently, work took me to the fabulous city of Barcelona, Spain, where I better understood what my role is in my new company and was able to see and eat my way around a fabulous part of the world.

Stay scared friends.